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BEAUTY FOR ASHES – HELP FOR A HURTING WIFE

DAY 16 – Are You Dwelling on your Husband’s Sins?

Matthew 7 3 – Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

When my husband first confessed to me about his struggle with pornography, I remember looking at him with shock and disgust. I actually went to the bathroom because I thought I was going to be physically sick. Obviously, I was feeling hurt, betrayed, angry and stupid because I’d been fooled and lied to all these years, which was a natural, immediate response to such news. However, instead of forgiving him and becoming united with him in order help him and to work it out between us, I began to feel sorry for myself. I was bitter for a long time and when I looked at my husband I would see him as a “bad” person and me as the victim.

I Was Wallowing in Self-Pity

I enrolled in an online course for spouses whose husbands were involved in pornography and I began to see that I, too, was sinning because I wasn’t letting go of the wrongs done to me and I was looking at my husband’s faults of viewing pornography (which was in the past by then) and his anger issues at that time, as being worse than my faults. I was judging him and I was not seeing my own bitterness and self-pity as a sin in God’s eyes. I refused to acknowledge that he was changing and was being set free from the emotional damage that his guilt had caused.

Remove the plank from your own eye and you will see much clearer

Ask God to Help You

I had to ask God to help me cast out the plank in my own eye in order to make me more clear-sighted, to be more sympathetic towards my husband’s past and present struggles at that time.

Focus on Your Own Shortcomings First

Jesus was very clear and straight about pointing out other people’s faults. He calls us all hypocrites when we condemn others. He said that other people’s faults are like a speck of dust compared to our faults which were like a wooden plank or board. Why is it, we can’t seem to diagnose our own faults, but yet it’s so easy to see everyone else’s?

This is not to say that our husbands don’t have faults, bad habits and sins. Like all of us, they do. Nor am I trying to make light of what he has done and how you have suffered from the repercussions of those sins. But despite that, God wants us to focus on our own faults first.

Start everyday with asking Jesus to illuminate your own faults and then asking for His help to fix them.

What is Your Motive for Pointing Out Your Husband’s Sin?

Is your motive to help him recover and get back in full fellowship with the Lord or is it to criticize and condemn him? Our motive should always be towards restoration and not condemnation or humiliation.

Of Course I get angry, but it’s only because of how he treats me!

If you say this, you are excusing your own sins by blaming them on your husband. Adam blamed Eve when God confronted him for sinning, but God did not accept his excuse, just like He will not accept ours. Every person is accountable for his/her own choices.

No matter what your husband does, or how he treats you, the Bible tells us we need to respond in a Christ-like manner. “Do not repay anyone evil for evil” and “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” Romans 12:17 & Romans 12:21.

But He’ll Take Advantage of Me!

Maybe you are afraid that if you focus on your own shortcomings, your husband will take advantage of this. It is possible, but most likely your change in attitude could inspire him to change too. Keep bringing your husband to God in prayer.

Spend some quiet time with God, asking Him to show you how to see more clearly and to respond in the way He would want you to respond.

Listen to your husband. Seek to truly understand his opinions and emotions. When you understand where he is coming from, look for ways to minister to him as you talk.

Do Not Allow Physical Abuse

You should never allow physical abuse. Be prepared to take action by contacting the Police or Social Services. Acts 25:10-11 tells us what to do in times like this.

Be Gentle!

If you start to point out your husband’s faults before removing the plank from your own eye, you will not see clearly and you will probably do more harm than good. Galatians 6:1 tells us “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” After the plank is removed from your own eye, with God’s grace, you will be able to help your husband in a loving, courteous and respectful manner.

Jesus Showed us Grace and We Are to Be More Like Him

I didn’t really show much grace to my husband at first, I didn’t think he deserved it, but then did Jesus deserve to be whipped, beaten and crucified for me? He still loves me the same, even though I have failed him many times. I asked God to give me grace and a supernatural love and understanding for my husband. I began to see him in a new light, and we are both able to help each other get through our shortcomings.

God has restored all those years the locusts had eaten and I believe He will do the same for you too!

Beauty for Ashes

Gen3x – Helping wives of men involved to sexual impurity

BEAUTY FOR ASHES – HELP FOR A HURTING WIFE

DAY 4 – God Will Use Our Troubles for Someone Else’s Comfort

2 CORINTHIANS 1v4 – He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

God Will Be With You Through the Hard Times

One night, as I read my Bible some years ago, I felt a stirring in my spirit as I read this verse. Tears began streaming down my face, I had butterflies in my tummy and my heart was pounding. This was the first time I ever felt God speaking to me and I really didn’t understand what was happening or what He was telling me. How could I comfort others? I was so caught up in all the strife that was going on around me and in my own problems, I couldn’t even imagine helping anyone else!

I didn’t know that about a year later my husband would reveal his secret struggle with pornography and shortly after I would be diagnosed with breast cancer. God knew, though, and He was preparing me for what lay ahead. He will always come alongside us as we go through hard times, and then He will bring us alongside someone else with similar problems so that we can be there for them also.

Give Thanks in All Circumstances

The apostle Paul, who wrote this book, always praised God through his pain, because he knew that God understood what he was going through. God comforts us through our pain, not just with a little ‘pat on the back type comfort’, but a deeper comfort which gives us help and hope. As a result of this, we can then comfort others going through the same experiences. If life was all fine and dandy and we never suffered anything, then how could we offer sincere understanding and comfort to others from a genuine heart that really knows and understands what that person is going through?

Seek Godly Counsel

I always kept my relationship with my husband private and told no-one of what was going on at home, so for 15 years, I never really experienced comfort from anyone about this until my husband confessed everything and advised me to go speak to a Christian about our situation. He also told me about a Christian website which God had led him to. I completed the Spouses course on the website which provided me with the opportunity to talk with other women who had been through the same as I had and it was such a comfort to know I was not alone and could share with them.

I Understand – I Really Do!

When I was going through cancer, people would come up to me and pat me on the back saying “I understand what you’re going through, it’ll be fine”. I would sometimes feel a bit annoyed. I know they all meant well and that I had probably done the same to someone else in the past, but unless you’ve gone through the same thing, there is no way you can honestly say that you understand. Now I can genuinely go up to another person diagnosed with cancer and tell them, from a heart that has been there and experienced the trauma they are facing and genuinely say “I understand what you’re going through”. Just like I can say to you right now, “I understand”, because I really do, I’ve been there too, I know what it’s like to feel hurt, betrayed, cheated and all the repercussions that come when our husbands are involved in pornography and I know, too, that God will carry you through when you place your trust in Him. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He has always been there for me and He will always be there for you too.

Comfort each other as God has comforted you

You Will be a Blessing to Other Women

God wastes nothing and He will use your circumstance to help others. Many women, all around the world, are going through the same situation as you are right now and I believe that one day, God will bring one of those women alongside you, so that you may be a blessing to her and comfort her in the same way He has comforted you. He sees the bigger picture and He will work all things together for your good and for the good of others.

Beauty for Ashes

Gen3x – Helping wives of men involved in sexual impurity

Are You Dwelling on Your Husband’s Sins?

God will always use our trouble for someone else’s comfort